Tag Archive: the onion


TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nations bird population.

via Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source

CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the “I Am Under 18” button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. “I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life,” said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. “I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on http://www.juggworld.com, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let’s face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content.” Moments later, Kinley’s friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the “I Am Over 18” button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him.

via ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Days after the accidental passage of a bill allocating $30 trillion in federal subsidies to soybean producers, a massive tide of the protein-rich legumes has flooded the nation, crippling transportation networks, commerce, and public utilities, and profoundly disrupting American life.

via Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

JASPER, IN—A blue corrugated plastic sign bearing the name of candidate Todd Young has invigorated and galvanized voters in southeastern Indiana’s 9th District congressional race, catapulting the Republican to an all but insurmountable lead over his opponent, Democratic incumbent Baron Hill.

via Yard Sign With Candidate’s Name On It Electrifies Congressional Race | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA—A ton of people up and down the coast were seriously bumming Monday, when the Drug Enforcement Administration announced the seizure and destruction of huge quantities of seriously primo shit.

via Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source

The Onion strikes again…

Why Are We Beefing Up Security? | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday, nearly 20 percent of U.S. citizens now believe Barack Obama is a cactus, the most Americans to identify the president as a water-retaining desert plant since he took office.

via Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama Is A Cactus | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

C&T:  Hey, idiot “birthers”: take note!

Mexico Killed In Drug Deal

MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.

According to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the violence was sparked by a botched drug deal involving an estimated 20 kilograms of marijuana, a dispute that led low-level members of the Sinaloa cartel to open fire on local dealers in Culiacán. Within seconds, the gunfire had spread to Chihuahua, Michoacán, Yucatán, and, minutes later, the other 27 Mexican states, leaving every person in Mexico dead.

via Mexico Killed In Drug Deal | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

SAN FRANCISCO—Retail apparel chain Banana Republic announced plans Tuesday to open 50 new stores at which customers will be able to buy pants without going through a painfully awkward, dehumanizing public ordeal.

via Banana Republic Announces Opening Of New Stores Where Buying Pants Will Not Be Totally Humiliating Experience | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody’s business.

via Outbreak Of Va-Va-Vooms Traced To Miniskirt-Wearing Blonde | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Hollywood Diet Secrets Have Fallen Into Non-Celebrity Hands

Hollywood Diet Secrets Have Fallen Into Non-Celebrity Hands | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source | Onion Radio News

 

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—According to sources within the Seventh Light compound, a rift has recently emerged within the cult over the question of whether to ordain female disciples as telepathic-vision clerics.

via Cult Divided On Whether To Let Women Become Telepathic-Vision Clerics | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs?

What Tricks Are We Teaching Our Dogs? | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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