Okay, okay, no more screwing around. Lets get serious here. I’ve been putting off running on this squeaky, plastic wheel all day long, and now its—Christ, is that clock right? Is it 10:30 already? Man oh man, it is way later than I thought. Looks like I got myself a long, long night of spinning a noisy wheel around in a circle here. All right, squeaky wheel. From now till dawn, its you and me, buddy. Weve gotta burn some midnight oil.
I’d love to just pass out right here in this pile of wood shavings, but this bad boy aint going to spin itself, you know what I’m saying? Do I wish Id gotten a head start on the wheel- running this morning instead of making a nest out of hair and paper scraps and curling up inside of it for five hours? Sure, of course. But hey, whats the use of worrying about “what if” when theres work to be done? Hell, I spin better at night anyway.
via This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Days after the accidental passage of a bill allocating $30 trillion in federal subsidies to soybean producers, a massive tide of the protein-rich legumes has flooded the nation, crippling transportation networks, commerce, and public utilities, and profoundly disrupting American life.
via Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
LOUISVILLE, KY—According to sources at the corporate headquarters of fast food giant KFC, a young boy believed to be the third reincarnation of the chain’s regional manager for eastern Georgia was discovered in Chatfield, MN Tuesday following an exhaustive five-year search.
via Boy Believed To Be Next Reincarnation Of Regional KFC Manager Discovered In Chatfield, MN | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
MEXICO CITY—In the latest incident of drug-related violence to hit the country, all 111 million citizens of Mexico were killed Monday during a shoot-out between rival drug cartels.
According to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the violence was sparked by a botched drug deal involving an estimated 20 kilograms of marijuana, a dispute that led low-level members of the Sinaloa cartel to open fire on local dealers in Culiacán. Within seconds, the gunfire had spread to Chihuahua, Michoacán, Yucatán, and, minutes later, the other 27 Mexican states, leaving every person in Mexico dead.
via Mexico Killed In Drug Deal | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
SAN FRANCISCO—Retail apparel chain Banana Republic announced plans Tuesday to open 50 new stores at which customers will be able to buy pants without going through a painfully awkward, dehumanizing public ordeal.
via Banana Republic Announces Opening Of New Stores Where Buying Pants Will Not Be Totally Humiliating Experience | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
NEW YORK—Following an Aug. 28 rally in Washington, D.C. attended by an estimated 87,000 Americans, experts confirmed this week that the U.S. populace appears to have fallen under the spell of yet another pink-faced half-wit.
via Nation Once Again Comes Under Sway Of Pink-Faced Half-Wit | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
C&T: As anyone who reads my blog regularly knows, I LOVE The Onion. ROFLMFAO! I’m in TEARS. Too bad it’s kinda TRUE. For example, a quote:
“This particular pink-faced half-wit is at the height of his persuasive powers,” Ellington said of the bloated, hateful multimillionaire. “By exploiting citizens’ greatest anxieties during an uncertain time in our nation’s history, the pink-faced half-wit has been able to promote his own vain, avaricious self-interests under the guise of standing up for the very disenfranchised people whom he himself is fleecing.”
C&T: I live in Texas (transplanted from NJ), and I gotta tell ya, this would be really funny if it wasn’t true!
AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. “I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve,” said Perry, referring to Arizona’s passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools. “Don’t forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that’s going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I’m still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we’ll be back and more fucked up than ever!” Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.
via Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 20, 2010 | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars | The Onion
I think this guy hangs out downtown by the Alamo. Or I used to date him.