Category: Funny Shit


 

 

The Charlie Sheen Glossary: ‘Winning,’ Warlocks, and More — Vulture.

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TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nations bird population.

via Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source

CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the “I Am Under 18” button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. “I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life,” said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. “I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on http://www.juggworld.com, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let’s face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content.” Moments later, Kinley’s friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the “I Am Over 18” button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him.

via ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

9 Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Santas

For every “It’s A Wonderful Life,” there are probably a dozen “Jingle All the Way”s. But it takes a special kind of failure to transcend the genre of “bad movie” that marks camp classics. We noticed that a strange number of them feature Santa Claus for reasons unknown, so we rounded up nine of our favorite movies where Jolly Old St. Nick is depicted in ludicrous ways.

via 9 Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Santas (VIDEO, PHOTOS)

C&T:  The videos are HILARIOUS!

Comics featuring presidents are nothing new – even Nixon showed up in the Fantastic Four, and everyone hated the guy. But the comics industry’s obsession with Barack Obama is a little more intense than usual, resulting in some bizarre, baffling and sometimes even disturbing stories. No one ever did a comic where George W. Bush battles zombies, or one where … well, read on to find out.

via 5 Insane Barack Obama Comic Books You Won’t Believe are Real | Cracked.com

Hostel Part 2 Lionsgate 2007

Bloody Disgusting spotted a hilarious news report from WTAE in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. During the police response to a fire at the George Washington Hotel in Washington, PA, firefighters stumbled on a grisly murder scene. How bad was it? According to WTAE, “Washington Police Chief J.R. Blythe thought Sunday’s discovery was the most grisly murder scene in his 35 years in law enforcement”:

via Cops Mistake Horror Movie Set For Horrific Crime Scene – Movies – News – IFC.com

Fox News Comments was created to expose the audience that Fox News caters to. Every comment is posted as it was shown on foxnews.com or thefoxnation.com. Some of what you read will make you laugh, some of what you read will shock you. Fear-mongering and hate-mongering have proven a very successful ratings-grabber for Fox News, but it’s generated about as much hate and fear as can be expected. So stick around – you might learn a slur that should have been dead decades ago!

via Fox News Comments

C&T:  I can’t say I’m shocked at these comments…ya gotta consider the source, FOX News seems to cater to righteous inbred idiots.  It’s kind of scary, though, that there are so many nut jobs out there so filled with rage and hate.

Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations

Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

SANTA ANA, Calif. — A Festivus for the rest of us? A convicted drug dealer in California thinks so. He cited his adherence to the holiday celebrated on a famous episode of “Seinfeld” to get better meals at the Orange County jail.

Festivus In Jail: Inmate Gets Kosher Meals Due To Festivus Belief

C&T:  This is funny and I can’t believe the judge fell for it.

5,244,972 VIEWS!??!?  Holy cat shit!

Okay, okay, no more screwing around. Lets get serious here. I’ve been putting off running on this squeaky, plastic wheel all day long, and now its—Christ, is that clock right? Is it 10:30 already? Man oh man, it is way later than I thought. Looks like I got myself a long, long night of spinning a noisy wheel around in a circle here.  All right, squeaky wheel.  From now till dawn, its you and me, buddy. Weve gotta burn some midnight oil.

I’d love to just pass out right here in this pile of wood shavings, but this bad boy aint going to spin itself, you know what I’m saying? Do I wish Id gotten a head start on the wheel- running this morning instead of making a nest out of hair and paper scraps and curling up inside of it for five hours? Sure, of course. But hey, whats the use of worrying about “what if” when theres work to be done? Hell, I spin better at night anyway.

via This Squeaky Wheel And I Are Pulling An All-Nighter | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Related Articles

Email Yux: TSA Bumper Stickers

Got this in email today.  Yeah, I guffawed.

ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.

via World’s Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

ThinkGeek : Canned Unicorn Meat

From “Radiant Farms”……”Excellent source of sparkles”……”Magic in every bite”!  For holiday gift-giving, no doubt.  Better stock up….

How to Gift Wrap a Cat

WASHINGTON—Days after the accidental passage of a bill allocating $30 trillion in federal subsidies to soybean producers, a massive tide of the protein-rich legumes has flooded the nation, crippling transportation networks, commerce, and public utilities, and profoundly disrupting American life.

via Nation Waist-Deep In Soybeans After $30 Trillion Farm Subsidy Bill Accidentally Passed | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Saturday was the long-awaited Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear in Washington D.C., and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert did not disappoint.

via The Funniest Signs From The Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear! (PHOTOS)

Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable, Ancient Evils

Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable, Ancient Evils | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source | Onion Radio News

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