Archive for January, 2011

TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nations bird population.

via Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source


Email Rules for 2011

Hey, Fellow Emailers:
Prepare to be offended. But if you got this it’s because I think you can take it. There are NO SACRED COWS. Some are friends. Some are relatives, some are acquaintances. Some are getting this because you’ve done one of the things listed below and I know you know better. Others because I know you feel the same way and I just wanted you to see I had the moxie to say something about it. ;o) You know who you are. And I, your friend/relative Charlotte in San Antonio TX, wrote this myself; it’s NOT a “Forward”. I say the following with NO MALICE. It is NOT my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings. Just clearin’ the air and looking for a fresh start.
Anyway, you can stick a fork in me, I’m DONE. I ignored my Inbox for a week between Christmas and New Year’s. This weekend both I and the Old Man were laid low with Cedar Fever and I didn’t even turn my laptop on. What I found on both occasions, besides a ton or two o’ SPAM, was:
· 6 people I consider (I should say thought) very close friends sent me emails that promised financial ruin and perhaps illness and death if I did not forward said email to 20 people within 10 minutes!
Let’s have a little fun and pretend these emails “work”. WHY in the name of God would you want to forward something like this to someone you care about? Let me get this right: If I don’t forward the email you sent me my life will be shit and you’re OK with that? WTF?!
· 3 emails that promised free money or a lifetime of pure bliss for just for clicking a link (VERY Dangerous, BTW) or forwarding an email.

Has anyone REALLY won a million bucks/gotten free stuff from Bill Gates/found happiness because of an email? NO. We’re not in 5th grade any more. Time to put away wishful thinking. THERE IS NO FREE LUNCH and IF SOMETHING SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS.

· 4 people I really don’t know very well (let’s just say I don’t consider them very close friends who would know my beliefs) sent me emails that told me God and/or Jesus loves me and I needed to re-examine my faith.
I appreciate your concern for my soul and eventual afterlife, which is a given. I know I’m going to die eventually. And thanks for caring. But you don’t know what I believe. You don’t know if I even go to church, or my religion, if any. Please do not presume because you believe in something it is your job to “set me straight”. What happens between me and my Maker stays between me and my Maker. Just like Vegas. Also, enough already with the messages from Angels. However, if they’re from the Hell’s Angels, I’m interested.

· I was warned my drinking water was going to kill me, AIDS infected needles were hidden in the handles of gas pumps and that a crazed killer was lurking in the Mall parking lots, slashing tires and hiding in the backseat, breathing heavily and just waiting in eager anticipation to cut my throat. Oh! And my cell phone would explode when I least expected it. Like there’s a time when you WOULD expect it?
If any of these stories were true, I’d see them on CNN or the local news. No need to spread rumors and conspiracy theories. Please check Snopes when you get these emails…BEFORE you forward them…you’ll see most are blarney with a healthy dose of bullshit.

· I received 2 emails that were what I consider “emotional blackmail”: sad stories (usually in Power Point presentations) of children or animals written with the specific purpose of making me cry, sign a petition, give money, or all 3.
The kid that has cancer, the abused animals, the sad stories about Jesus appearing in a dying child’s room. I get it. There is a lot of bad/sad stuff out there. Cancer sucks. Cruelty sucks. Accidents and war suck. I’m aware. I know it’s there and I already feel bad about it; I just don’t need any salt rubbed into the wound. Please don’t harsh my mellow.

· I got 3 emails with subject lines that swore the attached picture was real when the picture was obviously Photoshopped.
Examples of this include Obama with the phone upside down and a Kayaker about to get swallowed whole by a whale. ‘Nuff said.

· If the Mayans are right and world ends on December 21, 2012, there isn’t anything we can do about it.
Stop telling me to dig a bunker and that the government is hiding that facts. If true, we’re screwed; see ya. If not, there ain’t all that much that’s gonna change after 12/21/12 except I’m another year older.

· I get enough political propaganda, rhetoric and harangues about politicians to build a complete political website. Most are based on lies and bullshit; and I’m referring to both sides of the fence.
Palin’s an idiot. Obama’s an idiot. So are Pelosi and Boehner. And here’s a newsflash: I think they’re ALL idiots in one way or another. ENOUGH already!

Hey, email can be a lot of fun. I LOVE FUN. I’ve gotten some hilarious jokes, interesting/funny videos and links, and LOTS of good information and advice via email. I enjoy the laughs, the info, and I value your opinions. So keep Maxine coming, tell me about your rotten/great day, I WANT to read your joke, (the filthier the better), tell me the latest from your neck of the woods, and I want to know how you feel about the issues of the day, too, I love debate. And all the cute animal stories you can shake your mouse at….send ‘em. I’m just asking, that going into 2011, each of us take a good look at an email BEFORE we click “Forward”. Is it factual? Does it contain information my friend/relative could really use? Is it rhetoric? Is it childish? Please ask yourself this before you click “Send”.
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