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The Charlie Sheen Glossary: ‘Winning,’ Warlocks, and More — Vulture.

TULSA, OK—Claiming with certainty that government agents were behind the unexplained deaths of several thousand redwing blackbirds in Arkansas this month, a mallard duck voiced suspicions Tuesday that the CIA has conducted a decades-long covert operation to decimate the nations bird population.

via Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source

Email Rules for 2011

Hey, Fellow Emailers:
Prepare to be offended. But if you got this it’s because I think you can take it. There are NO SACRED COWS. Some are friends. Some are relatives, some are acquaintances. Some are getting this because you’ve done one of the things listed below and I know you know better. Others because I know you feel the same way and I just wanted you to see I had the moxie to say something about it. ;o) You know who you are. And I, your friend/relative Charlotte in San Antonio TX, wrote this myself; it’s NOT a “Forward”. I say the following with NO MALICE. It is NOT my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings. Just clearin’ the air and looking for a fresh start.
Anyway, you can stick a fork in me, I’m DONE. I ignored my Inbox for a week between Christmas and New Year’s. This weekend both I and the Old Man were laid low with Cedar Fever and I didn’t even turn my laptop on. What I found on both occasions, besides a ton or two o’ SPAM, was:
· 6 people I consider (I should say thought) very close friends sent me emails that promised financial ruin and perhaps illness and death if I did not forward said email to 20 people within 10 minutes!
Let’s have a little fun and pretend these emails “work”. WHY in the name of God would you want to forward something like this to someone you care about? Let me get this right: If I don’t forward the email you sent me my life will be shit and you’re OK with that? WTF?!
· 3 emails that promised free money or a lifetime of pure bliss for just for clicking a link (VERY Dangerous, BTW) or forwarding an email.

Has anyone REALLY won a million bucks/gotten free stuff from Bill Gates/found happiness because of an email? NO. We’re not in 5th grade any more. Time to put away wishful thinking. THERE IS NO FREE LUNCH and IF SOMETHING SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS.

· 4 people I really don’t know very well (let’s just say I don’t consider them very close friends who would know my beliefs) sent me emails that told me God and/or Jesus loves me and I needed to re-examine my faith.
I appreciate your concern for my soul and eventual afterlife, which is a given. I know I’m going to die eventually. And thanks for caring. But you don’t know what I believe. You don’t know if I even go to church, or my religion, if any. Please do not presume because you believe in something it is your job to “set me straight”. What happens between me and my Maker stays between me and my Maker. Just like Vegas. Also, enough already with the messages from Angels. However, if they’re from the Hell’s Angels, I’m interested.

· I was warned my drinking water was going to kill me, AIDS infected needles were hidden in the handles of gas pumps and that a crazed killer was lurking in the Mall parking lots, slashing tires and hiding in the backseat, breathing heavily and just waiting in eager anticipation to cut my throat. Oh! And my cell phone would explode when I least expected it. Like there’s a time when you WOULD expect it?
If any of these stories were true, I’d see them on CNN or the local news. No need to spread rumors and conspiracy theories. Please check Snopes when you get these emails…BEFORE you forward them…you’ll see most are blarney with a healthy dose of bullshit.

· I received 2 emails that were what I consider “emotional blackmail”: sad stories (usually in Power Point presentations) of children or animals written with the specific purpose of making me cry, sign a petition, give money, or all 3.
The kid that has cancer, the abused animals, the sad stories about Jesus appearing in a dying child’s room. I get it. There is a lot of bad/sad stuff out there. Cancer sucks. Cruelty sucks. Accidents and war suck. I’m aware. I know it’s there and I already feel bad about it; I just don’t need any salt rubbed into the wound. Please don’t harsh my mellow.

· I got 3 emails with subject lines that swore the attached picture was real when the picture was obviously Photoshopped.
Examples of this include Obama with the phone upside down and a Kayaker about to get swallowed whole by a whale. ‘Nuff said.

· If the Mayans are right and world ends on December 21, 2012, there isn’t anything we can do about it.
Stop telling me to dig a bunker and that the government is hiding that facts. If true, we’re screwed; see ya. If not, there ain’t all that much that’s gonna change after 12/21/12 except I’m another year older.

· I get enough political propaganda, rhetoric and harangues about politicians to build a complete political website. Most are based on lies and bullshit; and I’m referring to both sides of the fence.
Palin’s an idiot. Obama’s an idiot. So are Pelosi and Boehner. And here’s a newsflash: I think they’re ALL idiots in one way or another. ENOUGH already!

Hey, email can be a lot of fun. I LOVE FUN. I’ve gotten some hilarious jokes, interesting/funny videos and links, and LOTS of good information and advice via email. I enjoy the laughs, the info, and I value your opinions. So keep Maxine coming, tell me about your rotten/great day, I WANT to read your joke, (the filthier the better), tell me the latest from your neck of the woods, and I want to know how you feel about the issues of the day, too, I love debate. And all the cute animal stories you can shake your mouse at….send ‘em. I’m just asking, that going into 2011, each of us take a good look at an email BEFORE we click “Forward”. Is it factual? Does it contain information my friend/relative could really use? Is it rhetoric? Is it childish? Please ask yourself this before you click “Send”.
THANK YOU!

CHINO, CA—In an unprecedented and historic event Monday, the “I Am Under 18” button, an Internet security device which if selected restricts access to websites featuring adult content, was clicked for the first time ever. “I knew I could simply claim to be over 18 and continue onto my desired destination, but I also realized that I would have to live with that lie for the rest of my life,” said local resident Garrett Kinley, 17. “I admit, I was curious to see what type of material I would find on http://www.juggworld.com, but that button was clearly placed there for a reason, and let’s face it: 17 and three-quarters is not 18. I plan to return to the site three months from now, when I will be mature enough to handle its content.” Moments later, Kinley’s friend Dave Gerrard, 17, pushed Kinley aside and clicked the “I Am Over 18” button himself, at which point a tactical police unit broke down his bedroom door and arrested him.

via ‘I Am Under 18’ Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

6 Near Death Experiences Caught on Video

YouTube has given us a lot of things: vlogs, Fred, one billion parody videos of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” starring adorable kittens instead of saucy black ladies. And now, finally, it’s given us something to make up for all of that horrible, horrible bullshit: The ability to watch people nearly die from the safety of our own Cheeto-stained ergonomic office chairs. I’m not talking about hillbilly fireworks accidents or teenage skateboard shenanigans, either; I’m talking about very real, extremely terrifying and possibly bowel-exploding, first-person POV accounts that chronicle what it’s really like to survive the scariest disasters possible. You can experience all of it — the thrills, the adventure, the adrenalin — and you don’t even have to put on pants! In fact, you probably shouldn’t.

via 6 Near Death Experiences Caught on Video | Cracked.com

Example:

(CNN) — Voters who flocked to the Republican banner seven weeks ago are probably scratching their heads, wondering, “Who really won in November?” After handing the president and Congressional Democrats the worst drubbing in more than half a century, they can only watch in disbelief as Obama has reeled off a series of unexpected victories.

via Obama’s stunning turnaround – CNN.com

A theatre in Chicago is staging a production of the Charles Dickens classic “A Christmas Carol” with a twist.The entire play is delivered in thIngan Hol, the language of the Klingon race, which was developed in 1984 by linguist Marc Okrand for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.

via Klingon Christmas Carol brought to the stage – Telegraph.

C&T: QaQ, Hoch jIH laH ghaH Quch ghaj [a] QaQ wa!

Angry McCain looks just like pugilistic otter

Railing against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, shooting down an immigration bill he once sponsored, pushing his own changes to START – the tougher John McCain who emerged in the primaries may be here to stay.
When Sen. John McCain took the floor before the groundbreaking vote to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, he furiously told the Senate, “Today is a very sad day,” and announced, “There will be high-fives over all the liberal bastions of America,” from “the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus” to “the salons of Georgetown.”

via John McCain’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, DREAM Votes and His Lasting Anger – The Daily Beast

C&T:  Oh my.  John McCain’s PISSED.  Who gives a rat’s ass?  Anyone?  Bueller?  No one?  High Five!

9 Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Santas

For every “It’s A Wonderful Life,” there are probably a dozen “Jingle All the Way”s. But it takes a special kind of failure to transcend the genre of “bad movie” that marks camp classics. We noticed that a strange number of them feature Santa Claus for reasons unknown, so we rounded up nine of our favorite movies where Jolly Old St. Nick is depicted in ludicrous ways.

via 9 Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Santas (VIDEO, PHOTOS)

C&T:  The videos are HILARIOUS!

Palin has maintained that Obama’s effort to combat child obesity — which was recently aided by the passage of the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act — is one that seeks to take away “God-given rights to make our own decisions.” Some have since slammed that comment as Palin’s demanding that Americans cling to their “God-Given right to be fat.”

via Sarah Palin Jabs Michelle Obama’s Anti-Obesity Campaign With S’mores

C&T: Why won’t this stupid cow Palin STFU? My apologies to those of a bovine nature.

Email Yux: Senior Texting Codes

  • ATD: At The Doctor’s
  • BFF: Best Friend Farted
  • BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
  • BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
  • CBM: Covered By Medicare
  • CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
  • DWI: Driving While Incontinent
  • FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
  • FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
  • FYI: Found Your Insulin
  • GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
  • GHA: Got Heartburn Again
  • HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
  • IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
  • LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
  • LOL: Living On Lipitor
  • LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
  • OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
  • OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
  • ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
  • SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
  • TTYL: Talk To You Louder
  • WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
  • WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
  • WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
  • WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Google explores the human body with HTML5

Google has just soft-launched its latest browser experiment, the Google Body Browser, which is basically Google Earth for the human body. If you visit bodybrowser.googlelabs.com in a supported web browser, you’ll get a three-dimensional layered model of the human anatomy that you can zoom in on, rotate and search. WebGL support hasn’t hit mainstream browsers, but the beta versions of Google Chrome, Safari and Firefox all support it.

This is your brain on Google

via Google explores the human body with HTML5 – USATODAY.com

C&T: Thx to mansonsturtle for the head’s up!

Comics featuring presidents are nothing new – even Nixon showed up in the Fantastic Four, and everyone hated the guy. But the comics industry’s obsession with Barack Obama is a little more intense than usual, resulting in some bizarre, baffling and sometimes even disturbing stories. No one ever did a comic where George W. Bush battles zombies, or one where … well, read on to find out.

via 5 Insane Barack Obama Comic Books You Won’t Believe are Real | Cracked.com

Hostel Part 2 Lionsgate 2007

Bloody Disgusting spotted a hilarious news report from WTAE in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. During the police response to a fire at the George Washington Hotel in Washington, PA, firefighters stumbled on a grisly murder scene. How bad was it? According to WTAE, “Washington Police Chief J.R. Blythe thought Sunday’s discovery was the most grisly murder scene in his 35 years in law enforcement”:

via Cops Mistake Horror Movie Set For Horrific Crime Scene – Movies – News – IFC.com

Tryin’ Audio Post Out

Fox News Comments was created to expose the audience that Fox News caters to. Every comment is posted as it was shown on foxnews.com or thefoxnation.com. Some of what you read will make you laugh, some of what you read will shock you. Fear-mongering and hate-mongering have proven a very successful ratings-grabber for Fox News, but it’s generated about as much hate and fear as can be expected. So stick around – you might learn a slur that should have been dead decades ago!

via Fox News Comments

C&T:  I can’t say I’m shocked at these comments…ya gotta consider the source, FOX News seems to cater to righteous inbred idiots.  It’s kind of scary, though, that there are so many nut jobs out there so filled with rage and hate.

How to tell…

If Santa's leaving you more than just coal, you're BAD.

Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations

Most Popular Winter Holiday Decorations | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

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